Meaning well is not the same as being useful, and most partners desperately want to be useful. The good news is that the role of a birth partner is largely learnable. Spend an hour on it together beforehand and they walk in with a job to do, rather than standing helpfully near the wall.

The three real jobs

Comfort is the first: knowing your preferred positions, where to press for back pain, when to offer water, when to talk and when to be quiet. Advocacy is the second: holding your preferences in mind, asking the questions you cannot ask mid-surge, and making sure you are spoken to rather than over. Logistics is the third: the bag, the car, the snacks, the phone, the updates to family, so that your mind is free for the one job only you can do.

Things worth rehearsing

• Two or three comfort positions, and exactly where to apply counter-pressure.
• The questions to ask if something is suggested, written on a small card.
• What you want them to do if you go quiet, or get overwhelmed.
• The practical run-sheet: where the bag is, the route, who to call and when.

A prepared birth partner is worth more than almost anything you can pack.

Looking after the supporter

It helps to talk, beforehand, about how they are feeling too. Birth can be daunting to witness, and a partner who knows that in advance tends to cope better in the room. Agree that they can step out for a breath if they need to, that they can ask staff questions, and that their steadiness genuinely helps you. Calm really is contagious, and it travels in both directions.